How (not) to date
One of my new years resolutions was to become more serious (or at least try) and maybe find someone to settle down. Thus I decided to jump right back into the game called “dating” – which I most certainly did. I had started seeing someone exactly at the beginning of the new year. The first few weeks were really nice. We had fun and even though I wasn’t too sure about how I felt, everything seemed to flow.
But then things got complicated. And we had to discuss. A lot. And we argued. A lot. And we wouldn’t let go.
I made many mistakes and looking back I could have done many things differently which would have saved me a lot of heartache and energy trying to save something that wasn’t even worth saving.
So here’s my definite guide on how to or how not to date.
Set the mood:
When you first meet:
1. Set the rules. Well not really, but make sure you are on the same page. Yes, you are both single and looking to date. Neither of you is looking to f*ck around.
2. Don’t have sex on the first date. Or the second, third, fourth. Keep the suspense – it usually makes things more interesting.
3. Don’t dream about your future. Don’t think about moving in together. Don’t think about having kids. Just enjoy the moment.
4. Try not to get too intimate via text messaging (WhatsApp, iMessage etc). That sets expectations high and often leads to disappointment. Keep things simple. Meet up when you can. Communicate.
5. If you feel that it’s not going to work, it probably won’t. 95% of the conclusions we make the first 10 seconds we meet someone… are correct. (based on this)
6. Let go to prevent further heartache. Like mentioned above, if you think it’s not gonna work, it won’t. The sooner you let go the better.
7. We all can be a bit superficial and looks can be deceiving. Someone might be very good-looking but is there substance? Will you still like them as a person when the excitement goes away?
When you are dating:
8. Rejection brings desire. I’ve been on dates when the other person was really into me but when I gave in they decided that it’s not working out for them or I’m not their type or any other pathetic excuse. Don’t be that person.
9. Mind games should not be part of the dating process. Taking an hour to answer messages only because you believe that will make the other person more keen, is just sad and if that’s what they need to like you then they are probably not the right person for you.
10. Be honest with your self and your feelings. But most importantly don’t say things you don’t mean.
11. Expectation is the root of all heartache. You don’t always get what you give, so give and expect nothing in return. If it’s the right person, it will work out.
12. Don’t be needy. Don’t be clingy. For all of you thin-skinned people out there, I know it sucks but this is the number one reason to put off the person you are dating.
13. Does the other person have aspirations for the future? Are they high-achievers? Do they have control of their life? If they don’t and you do, it’s probably not gonna happen.
When you call it off:
14. Going back and forth, discussing, over-analysing and trying to make “it” work out won’t lead anywhere. If you are still at the beginning of this whole dating process and things didn’t flow naturally – be glad it’s over.
15. You don’t need to argue. You don’t need to be resentful. If they haven’t treated you right, telling them so… won’t change anything. People will only hear what they want to hear and you just waste your time.
16. “Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve”
17. Remember that relationships don’t define you. People don’t complete you. You do. Collect the pieces and move on.